Death. Death. Death. Drunk. Drinking. Still Drunk.
I was beyond reason. I had worked myself up into such a state that there was nothing else, anymore. I could feel my visceral veins pumping as hard as they could. My brain, my brain felt like it was ready to burst open, cracking my skull at one pressure point on the very front of my head, bursting open, and squooshing all of the muck out through it all over the room.
That didn’t happen, thankfully. But I keeled over, none the less, and gathered myself, looking for composure within. My breathing pattern was different from usual. After all, I hadn’t breathed a single breath in what felt like forever. My heart was pounding. And doing weird, weird things; ectopic beats, completely skipping beats, palpitations, the lot. And then it came. I breathed in as hard as I could, like a smoker taking their first draw in the morning. I breathed in and held it, held it for a moment, like it would be the last breath I would ever experience and for some reason I should on to it as if it was something precious, something divine. And then I let it out.
Then I collapsed. My whole body fell onto the floor in one swift movement. My head crashed, my arm crashed under my back, my legs crashed, my fucking whole body crashed. I crashed. And it hurt. By this stage though, all I could feel was an intense pins and needles feeling, all over; and all I could see was a kind of glimmery redness.
From here on I don’t know what happened, I think I began to seizure. Or arrest. Or Burst. Or Implode. Or all of the above.
Glimmery redness.
Red.
A colour.
With meaning.
I see my wife, I see my children. I see my bed, I see you. I see my bottle of scotch, and tequila, and bourbon. I see my mother. I see my mother getting beaten by my father. I see me getting beaten by my father, after he’d come home from a hard week, and had been drinking copiously. I see school. I see that Cunt John Lilac and the hell he made for me in year 3. I see high school, I see apathy. I see me, fucking the first girl I thought I loved. I see me, working, in the workforce. I see me, getting drunk. I see me, drinking. I see me, being abusive. I see me, not being in reality. I see my liver, shriveled and worn out. I see my intestines, covered with cancer. I see my mouth and my throat, the same. And next I see you, and what I did to you. I’m sorry mate. I wish I’d never driven drunk and paralysed you all those years ago. Now all I can think is sorry. I’m sorry to my wife. I’m sorry about all those times I came home and you and the kids didn’t know what to do or where to go. I’m sorry about all the times I hurt you. I’m sorry mum, I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry for staying out so late when I was a kid, doing stupid, stupid things under the influence that could have got me killed or worse. I’m sorry, I’m sorry to all the people that I told loved in order to get a quick and easy fuck. I’m sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry. If I could keep saying sorry I would.
But it’s way too late. I’m already dead. I’ve already caused the damage.
The redness is upon me now.
***((dedicated to a society that often does not realise the dangers and consequences of a life of drinking. To a society that says it’s okay. That has a culture of drinking, that let’s their kids do it. Come on Folks, it’s far far worse than cigarette smoking. Cigarette smoking harms your health, it doesn’t have far worse and much much scarier effects on the community. And it’s not as widespead and accepted either. If we spent half as much money as we do on ad campaigns for cigarette smoking as we did on drinking, the number of fatal accidents would fall, the number of homeless would fall, the number of domestic violence cases would fall, the number of bashings would fall, the number of people with depression and other serious mental problems would fall, the number of delinquent teenagers looking for something or someone to trash on a friday night would fall, the number of unwanted pregnancies would fall, a HUGE number of societies problems would fall. With the same amount spent on ad campaigns against cigarette smoking, what falls? Rates of cancer. Come on Australia. Wake the fuck up. Look at what you’re society and it’s fucked up culture of drinking to excess.
Rach
Did you write that yourself? Either way that short story/piece was very interesting to read. I’m not sure what I think. I drink, I feel that drinking is okay if you’re responsible, but there are so many people who drink to get drunk and they’re irresponsible. A part ruins it for the whole. I wish young, underage drinking could be stopped, but it’s way to big of a deal; there is no real way to enforce it, other than making the kids scared to drink….and i doubt that will happen.
August 16th, 2007 at 00:26
Crystal
I have a friend and all she ever wants to do is go out and get drinks! Its crazy and gets expensive!
August 16th, 2007 at 03:23
Angelica
That’s a good piece of writing. You capture a lot of feelings in it.
I’m kinda ambivalent about drinking. I drink, I get drunk. But I know how much danger it’s doing to society and a lot of people. I often say that alcohol if introduced today would be forbidden straight away since it’s even more dangerous than some illegal drugs. Drinking will never be banned though because it’s so socially exepted and have been around for so long. I gues the world would be a better place if nobody had invented alcohol.
August 16th, 2007 at 03:45
Stuart
Your alone all alone when it comes to that.But not alone when it comes to drinking liquor.I drink silently everyday.I know that i will die and it’s drinking that will do it.I’ll share this with you my Mother drank herself to death and i watched and now i wll do the same.Couldnt see why but now i can if you don’t drink the pain wont leave but if you do it will kill you funny catch huh.
October 1st, 2007 at 05:53